I realize I haven't posted in quite a while (so far Joni is the only one that's noticed!), but the stress level around here has been through the roof. Selling this house has been a nightmare, well either a nightmare or I'm in the world's longest Candid Camera spoof.
The buyer's put in an offer October 23rd. They requested a longer than usual closing period of January 2nd. We countered saying no, that we wanted to close WAY before Christmas, so as to be in our new house, settled and have cash to shop for Christmas. So, we have a closing date of December 12th. The buyers are going VA, so we have to kick in a LOT of closing costs and do a LOT of repairs that normally we wouldn't have to do. Also, we bought a 1 year home warranty insurance policy for them.
December 11th my realtor calls. The buyer's financing fell through. THE DAY BEFORE FUCKING CLOSING we find out that the buyer doesn't have a loan. However, all is not lost according to my realtor, the buyers are going with Countrywide for a conventional loan and we are assured that we will close on Friday, December 15th. I suffer and suffer, wail and moan and gnash my teeth all week. Thursday night the realtor calls and says that the lender SWEARS the loan has been approved and they will "do their best" to close on Friday, but to reassure us that the loan WILL close, even if worst case it has to be Monday. So, I wait and I wait all day Friday to find out what time we're closing. At 3 pm my realtor calls, we're not closing that day-they can't get the paperwork done in time, but we will close on Monday.
Monday-phone calls fly back and forth all day between me and the realtor. Nobody knows what's going on. The lender has sent closing instructions to the title agent and said they've ordered the wire transfer of funds and the documents. The HUD 1 statement (that shows exactly how the money will be disbursed) was sent over but was wrong so that had to be taken care of. Finally, at 3 o'clock, the buyers want to do a final walkthrough of the house. WHAT THE FUCK??? The house has been empty for 10 days at this point because we moved out the weekend before closing so that the new owners could move in. So, I lose it and begin crying and yelling at my realtor. She says to pull myself together and be at the title office to close at 4.
1/2 of Xanax number one washed down with coke at this time.
I drive to the title office. I'm meeting John there, who has left an important meeting in order to just get this done. When I was 5 minutes away from the office, the title person calls me. "Ms Howard, are you on your way? Because we haven't received the documents from Countrywide. In all my years doing this, ,I've never had a mortgage company not get the documents to me in an hour". I explain to her that I'm in her parking lot and will talk to her inside.
After me showing INCREDIBLE restraint, I walk out the door stabbing numbers on my cell phone calling my mother as we've just been informed that we will not be closing that day. John follows me outside to tell me that we will be closing at 9 am Tuesday morning. At this point I am so angry that I nearly kick him in the face.
Xanax number two washed down with orange juice at this time.
Back home to the new house, try to start the jacuzzi. Move this lever towards the house. Move the second lever towards the fence. Turn on the heater. Nothing. It's getting dark now, so hunt up The Man's monkey flashlight that says "ooooh ooh ooooh ah ah AHHHH" whenever you press the lever for light. Poke around twisting knobs and pushing buttons. Nothing.
The phone rings. It's the realtor. She has heard from the lender. We, for whatever reason, will not be closing until sometime after 10 am Wednesday. I begin to scream swear words that I've never even heard myself (what exactly IS a jack legged mother fucker?) and my realtor is offended.
Xanax number 3 washed down with straight vodka, no ice at this time.
So. I still own a house that I don't want. I live in a house that I do want. The Man has pneumonia. I am broker than your average hooker after she gives up her cut to her pimp. I have a job I loathe but am reluctant to quit because it would let my friend down.
Ho Ho Fucking Ho
Wednesday December 20, 2006 - 08:14am (EST)
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