The Incredible Shrinking Woman

Now I truly cannot understand this. I'm not trying to lose weight, but it's coming off-I'm wearing jeans that I wore 4 years ago. I'm not unhappy about it, but it's a little frustrating. I have a small waist, a rather ahem ethnic shaped butt and a chest that's quite like the prow of a wooden sailing ship. Now, when I'm getting smaller everywhere, it seems like my bust has increased it's diameter. WTF? I put on a shirt or jacket and it fits perfectly everywhere BUT across the boobs. I can't button or zip my shirts up to a legal, much lest decent area but they fit perfectly in the shoulders and waist. I'm going to have to take my suits in to be taken in at the waist. Or else just go shopping...

The Emperor and Me 13

E: Mommy, you look very pretty in that shirt.

Me: Why thank you baby.

E: Can you wear another shirt when you pick me up from school?

Me: But you just said I look pretty in this shirt.

E: I know, but you look so pretty it's hurting in my eyes.
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Wednesday September 5, 2007 - 08:13am (EDT)

Endless Romance

I have quite an eclectic taste when it comes to music. I like DMX and Avril Lavigne, Gwen Stefani and Seven Nations, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and Aerosmith. In the mood I've been in lately, Chris Botti just seems to fit me like a second skin. Listening to his sexy jazz trumpet wailing makes me think of dark smoky places, pencil skirts, silk blouses, stilettos and gin neat in a thin crystal old fashioned glass. When I hear this song, He is in my mind-holding each other tightly with my right arm around his neck and my left hand holding his, swaying slightly to the sound of what's to come later tonight.

The Emperor and Me 12

Scene: E is slam jammed up next to me in bed coloring while I'm reading blogs. He's elbowing my incision.

Me: "ooooh!! Uh! Lord that hurts!"

E: "don't call me Lord. My name is Jason! Did you forget?"


Sunday August 26, 2007 - 10:20am (EDT)

The Emperor and Me 11

E: Mommy, look at this coloring book (Robots in Action), it's just like Transformers.

Me: MmmHmmm

E: (singing) Transformers!

E and Me: (singing) Transformers! Robots in disguise! Transformers! More than meet

Me: the eyes

E: bee-iiii's

E: What are you singing?! It's bee-iiii's woman!!!

Sunday August 26, 2007 - 09:35am (EDT)

Have you ever felt that you were in a runaway car and all you could do was hold on and see where it stopped?

A month ago, moving was the very last thought on my mind. I love my house that I live in now. I have a history with it and my landlord is one of my closest friends. The downside is that Shelby lives with my parents an hour away and I don't get to see her too often. I miss out on a lot of the day to day stuff with her and I just miss the fuck out of her. I casually mentioned wishing she could live with me again the day I had surgery and well whaddaya know, the gods have moved heaven and earth and I'm going to have my family intact again.

Sunday I was going crazy being in this house another day. Since surgery and the complications that followed, I've truly just felt too crappy to do much other than move from the bed to the couch and back. I'm getting my strength back and just wanted to do something-so I drove down to my parents town to look around for houses. Idle time wasting for me. Or so I thought. Driving through the Historic South District we stumbled on a cute house for rent.

Peeking through the windows and tramping around the back yard, we fell in love. A long front porch with a swing. All heart pine floors polished to a high gloss. A breakfast room with built in cabinets. A huge fenced in back yard with a clothes line so I can hang out my linens. A 2 car "garage" in the back that was probably used to house a buggy back when the house was built in 1915. A perfectly restored vintage house. Shelby nearly pees her pants. We go back to my parents house and look it up online. The rent is affordable. It has 2 bathrooms. This is doable.
So, I rented it yesterday. My parents are over the moon. My mother can pick up The E on Fridays to spend the night with her and my dad. They were integral in raising the big 3, but have been somewhat uninvolved with him (my choice) so they're delighted to be as big a part of his life (read: controlling) as they were with the others. I nervously asked my dad yesterday if it was all moving too fast. He said absolutely not, finish my sandwich because we had to meet the realtor at the house to see the interior.

He's crazy about the house. I am too. I think. I have a full dressing room off my bedroom. I have a fireplace in my bedroom with window seats on either side. I have a creaky staircase polished to within an inch of it's life. An enormous gas stove and every vintage period touch I could dream of. A library with a full bathroom off it that I can make a guest room or an office. Children galore in the neighborhood and a park right across the street. I'm 2 blocks from the river and I can sit in my backyard and watch the fireworks on the 4th of July. This town LOVES festivals and I will be able to stroll over to the Magnolia Festival in October, the Azalea Festival in March and the Blue Crab Festival over Memorial Day weekend. The trendy downtown shops stay open till 9 every 3rd Friday and the Farmer's Market opens at 7 on Saturdays. I can walk the 3 blocks to St Monica's for mass on Sundays and then back to have Sunday dinner with my family.

Ahhhh. My family. I adore my father. He's stern but loving. Curmudgeonly yet funny. He's always quietly trying to make up for the sins of omission he committed when I was a child. My mother. Controlling and passive aggressive. Wait-strike that. Controlling and agressive. Really has no concept of boundaries. Will weep over the sins she committed when I was a child but always peeking out between her fingers to see if I am telling her it's ok, I understand, no worries anymore, hey ho look at me-I'm fine now!

I really think that's my biggest knot in my stomach over this entire situation. Rather than moving further from her and continuing to gently saw at the apron strings, I'm tying the noose tighter around my neck.

Thursday August 23, 2007 - 10:23am (EDT)

How Interesting

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open.

Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

The Emperor and Me 10

This comes via phone from Shelby-she and The E are at my parents this week while I'm recuperating:

Shelby: Jason, finish cleaning my room. You threw all your toys around.

E: Finish! Finish is my middle name! Finish the Menace!

oy. He'll be in quite some form when I see him tonight...

Friday August 10, 2007 - 12:28pm (EDT)

Letting Go

Everyone has one. That person that always seems to be hanging around the edge of all your thoughts. Not quite the one that got away, because you never truly had them. There were conversations, whispered confidences, soft giggles in the deep of the night when you thought "this is the beginning of something big". But. And there's always a but. They just couldn't quite make that leap from Good Buddy to Significant Other. They could already belong to someone else. Or they're nursing wounds from a past that you can't heal. For an adrenalin addict the roller coaster highs and lows are thrilling, nights of "He loves me, He loves me not" can be very entertaining when you're otherwise lonely.

Eventually, it stales. You might get angry with a "How DARE they not want ME?" or you just may drift along with a laissez faire attitude while they fade to black. You may vasillate between the two. The important thing is, you finally realize that it IS your precious time that has been wasted, for whatever reason. And you don't want to waste any more.

Thursday August 2, 2007 - 04:44pm (EDT)

The Emperor and Me 9

E: Shelby-you are a barmint.

Shelby: A barmint? What's that?

E: A barmint is somebody dat you wuv, but you don't wanna KISS dem!! Duhhhhh!

Thursday July 26, 2007 - 12:02pm (EDT)

The Private Stuff

1) Is sex best morning, afternoon or night? Is there ever a bad time?

2) What side of the bed do you sleep on? If you're facing the bed, the left.

3) Pork, Beef, or Chicken? Beef

4) Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke? No

5) What leg do you put in pants first when pulling them up? My right

6) Candles or Incense? Candles. Incense was for the pot heads in high school.

7) Do you dance when no one is watching? All.The.Time.

8) Did you play doctor when you were little? yes, now I play naughty nurse ;) ( I totally stole that answer from Hedder)

9) Have you ever taken your clothes off for money? Nope

10) Stove top cooking or microwave? stove top

11) Would you rather clean your car or your house. Totally my house. My car is a landfill.

12) Shower or bath? Do you know me at all? Totally a bath girl.

13) Do you pee in the shower? EW. no.

14) Mexican or Chinese food? Mexican

15) Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed? Spank my ass and call me sally...

16) Do you love someone on your top friends? I love Hedder, and Alley and Jimmy and Marty and Bethy and Joni and Billy Ray and Sara and Gilbo and Leo and etc etc etc

17) Have you ever had sexual relations with anyone on your top friends? Nope

18) Corn Dogs or Hot Dogs? MMMMM I seriously love hot dogs

19) Your favorite restaurant? Mimi's

20) What did you have for lunch today? I just ate 4 pieces of pepperoni that's probably gonna do it for me

21) Which do you prefer, iceberg or romaine lettuce? Romaine

22) When did you last fall down? I totally wiped out at Universal. Jimmy got to see the bruises-he was scared...

23) Have you ever wished someone were dead? Yes

24) Love or Money? Love-I know now that all the cash in the world can't make up for some certain things.

25) Credit Cards or cash? Depends on what I'm buying 26) Has there ever been anyone in your family you wish wasn't? yes

27) Oreos or Vanilla Wafers? Oreos

28) How do you like your steak? medium well

29) How do you like your eggs? scrambled hard

30) Have you ever knocked someone off their feet in a fight? No

31) Would you rather go camping or to a 5 star hotel? Read back a few weeks I'm totally a 5 star girl

32) Would you rather have a root canal or minor surgery? minor sugery I've never had a root canal

33) Would you shave your entire body including your head? ahem, it's all pretty much done EXCEPT my head

35) What is your favorite candy? reese's

36) Ever been to a strip club? I'm my own strip club for a few lucky patrons...

37) Ever been to a bar? Yes

38) Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club? Technically no-however the manager of Carrabba's offered to call mine and Stacey's husbands to drive us home after a couple hours of chocolate martini's one night.

39) Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere? No

40) Kissed someone of the same sex? no

41) Thrown up from drinking too much? Yes

42) Had sex in the car? Yes

43) Had sex at the beach? yes

44) How many people have you slept with? Are you kidding me? My daughter in law reads this!!!

Wednesday July 25, 2007 - 12:44pm (EDT)

The ABCs of Mighty Aphrodite

1. A is for age: 40

2. B is for beer of choice: Icehouse

3. C is for career right now: Lady of Leisure

4. D is for your dog's name? The last one was Spike

5. E is for essential item you use everyday: Eyelash curler

6. F is for favorite TV show at the moment: Big Love (OH.MY.GOD.)

7. G is for favorite game: Y'know, that one with the boys and the bottle...

8. H is for Home town: DUUUU-VALLLLLLL

9. I is for instruments you play: piano

10. J is for favorite juice: Cranberry with a lil vodka

11. K is for whose butt you'd like to kick: Wonderboy, Felterherpes

12. L is for last place you ate: on the couch

13. M is for marriage: Probably not my strong suit

14. N is for your full name: Mighty Aphrodite, Heartbreaker to the Stars

15. O is for overnight hospital stay: Not all that crazy about them

16. P is for people you were with today: The E always The E

17. Q is for quote: In the depth of winter, I found in myself an invincible summer.

18. R is for Biggest Regret: I don't discuss it

19. S is for status: Up for review

20. T is for time you woke up today: 9:10 am

21. U is for underwear you have on now: light pink bikinis with dark pink lace (yes Heather, the bra matches!)

22. V is for vegetable you love: zucchini

23. W is for worst habit: Talking on my cell phone while in the bath tub

24. X is for x-rays you've had: I can't even remember them all

25. Y is for yummy food you ate today: nothing yet

26. Z is for the zodiac sign: virgo
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Wednesday July 25, 2007 - 12:10pm (EDT)

Check It Out

I Got Nothin

Actually, I DO have somethin, but that blog is comin later

Current Life My current life in 61 questions:

1. What was the highlight of your week? The days are starting to all run together...
2. Who's car were you in last? mine
3. When is the next time you will kiss someone? Well, it depends on the type of kiss...
4. What color shirt are you wearing? Red
5. How long is your hair? Just past my shoulders
6. Last movie you watched? Arthur and the Invisibles
7. Last thing you ate? Ham and beans
8. Last thing you drank? Coke
9. Where did you sleep last night? my bed
10. Are you happy right now? Pretty much
11. What did you say last? Yes I WILL put your in your room if you act up!
12. Where is your phone? On the table next to me
13. What was the last museum you went to? MOSH
14. What color are your eyes? green
15. Who came over last? The pool guy
16. When was the last time you had your heart broken? A couple months ago
17. Who/what do you hate/dislike currently? I'm kinda hatin on the heat right now
18. What are you listening to? Cartoon Network
19. If you could have one thing right now what would it be? A winning lottery ticket
20. What is your favorite scent? Vanilla and lavender
21. Who makes you happiest right now? The E
22. What were you doing at midnight last night? Watching tv
23. Are you left-handed? no
24. What's for dinner tonight? I'm not sure yet, maybe spaghetti
25. What is the last alcoholic beverage you had? Sangria
26. When Is Your Birthday? August 27
27. Who was the last person to send you a text message? Marty
28.When is that last time you were in a swimming pool? Thursday
29. Where was the last place you went shopping? Publix
30. How do you feel about your hair right now? Meh I'm bored with it
31. Do you have any expensive jewelery? yes
32. AIM or MSN? neither
33. Where does most of your family live? Here in Florida, but my siblings live in Texas and Seattle
34. Are you an only child or do you have siblings? a younger sister and brother
35. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled? I'm a princess...
36. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up? Where the fuck is my contact?
37. Do you drink beer? yep
38. Myspace or Facebook? myspace
39. Do you have T-Mobile? nope-Sprint
40. What is your favorite subject in school? English
41. What type of boy/girl do you usually fall for? Boys-tall, heavyset, funny, smart, talkative
42.Do you have any talents? ohhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhh
43. Have you ever been IN a wedding? yes
45. Did you take a nap today? no, but the day isn't over yet
46. Ever met someone famous? not terribly famous
47. Do you want to be famous one day? nope
48. Are you multitasking right now? nope
49. Could you handle being in the military? Oh fuck no. I'd cry within the first hour of boot camp.
50. What is your average cell phone bill? about $180.00
51. Do you believe in Karma? yes.
52. Ever been to Las Vegas? no
53. What are you doing today? cleaning house
54. Have you ever been gambling? yep
55. When is the last time you updated your blog? Ummmmm over the weekend I think
56. Have you been to Europe? no
57. Ever been to Disneyland/world? yep
58. Do you have a favorite cartoon character? no
59. Last thing you cooked? pulled pork with bbq sauce, cole slaw, baked beans
60. Stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone? was running smack with Jimmy while standing next to the pool, so that everyone could push me in
61. Last time you were sick? March or April

Wednesday July 11, 2007 - 01:50pm (EDT)

Livin La Dolce Vita

After my 3 days of mourning that I traditionally have after returning to Florida from Indiana, it's now time to focus on my next adventure: a week with children at Portofino Bay in Orlando. Monday morning we are taking off bright and early (4 AM!) to drive down and check in before the park opens. Now, I love a great roller coaster more than any other chica, but for me it's the hotel that makes my vacation. I realize that you can sleep just as well in a Motel 6 but well, why would you want to? I can sleep just as well at home too, but the point of being on vacation is to relax and spoil yourself (well, it is to me) and enjoy creature comforts that aren't my usual norm. Here's a description of the hotel from Gayot.com - The Guide To The Good Life:

Palazzo-style architecture, cobblestone streets and pretty piazzas set the stage for 750 guestrooms and suites, the humblest of which is spacious enough to sleep five. The décor is subtle, done in soothing neutral tones, which are spiced up nicely in the suites. Refreshment pantries, custom duvets, Egyptian cotton sheets and remarkably big bathrooms are the kind of standard amenities you'll find.One groovy, 21st century touch in all accommodations are mini bars that employ technology rather than the intrusion of housekeeping to determine whether the stock of goodies needs replenishing.
Since Italy is renowned for wining and dining, it's no surprise that food plays a prominent role here. The signature restaurant, Delfino Riviera, serves Ligurian cuisine complemented by Versace dinnerware, strolling musicians and views of the harbor. It's tops for romance, but it's also just the beginning. The informal Mama Della's Ristorante relies on family recipes to draw folks in, and Sal's Market (for biscotti, olive oils and more) is fashioned after Peck's, the acclaimed Milanese deli dating back to 1883. Brick oven pizza is the highlight at Splendido Pizza (you can also get burgers here), and Gelateria Caffe Espresso serves, as its name implies, gelato and espresso. Rounding out the list is The Thirsty Fish for a waterfront experience and Trattoria del Porto offering family friendly buffets. From the traditional (a full-service spa and preferred tee times on a Jack Nicklaus golf course) to the unusual (a Bocce ball court and pagers to keep track of your teens), the extras here stand out. Among the three swimming pools is a Roman-style aqueduct beach pool, complete with poolside gazebos. And the "Did you forget?" closet includes items you may have left behind, such as raincoats, cameras and dog leashes.

I'm truly a princess.
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Thursday June 28, 2007 - 07:33am (EDT)

Seriously, I must remember my age...

Remember my last missive, the one that detailed my all nighter Friday night? Apparently, I forgot because Saturday night I did it all again. Alley wasn't feeling so hot, so she gave me the keys to the car (I am SO ditching my Vibe and getting a cougar. Well, as soon as I don't have to have a carseat in the back anymore) and with big hair and even bigger boobs, I headed on back into Indy. I met Jimmy at the 1st stop of the night, thank God for cell phones since he stood in the parking lot and laughed while watching me drive around in circles looking for him. We went inside, had a drink and mingled a lil bit until the phone started blowing up.

After saying our goodbyes, I checked in on my chica and headed back downtown for a repeat visit. Ike and Jonesy's was packed and the rain was pouring-so the Noodle was the place to be for us till 3. Another long night with eye candy and I rolled back into the casa around 10ish. A quick shower, debriefing with Alley and we were off again, this time to chez Jimmy in what is seriously a cute lil town. Jimmy was being a gentleman and knowing I'm from Florida and always hot, had his AC set on 31 degrees. I sat on the couch under blankets with my teeth chattering while defending my reining Remote Snatching Belt from his attempts to beat me at controlling the tv. We had fabu bbq and then headed to Hedder's house-where our activities are going to remain a tightly controlled secret.

After another late night, I finally went to bed when it was dark for the first time since Thursday and slept through 2 phone calls and an assload of text messages. I'm slowly packing and getting ready to head back south tonight to get geared up for vacay no. 2 next week. Thank God for farecast.com so I can start scouting out my ticket to come back soon-2 months between seeing my friends is far far too long.


Monday June 25, 2007 - 10:53am (EDT)

This One Goes Out to the One I Love

A simple problem, to occupy my time...

That's what's playing on the stereo right now-it's a totally sluggish day at Casa Alley. We're moving slowly in order to maximize our energy for tonight's frivolity. Yesterday was kinda relaxing too, after Alley picked me up from the airport and dropped me off at her place, I just laid around and chilled with the kids. We really didn't kick it into high gear until around 10ish when a text message reminded us what time it was-we buzzed back to her place and threw on different shirts, brushed our hair and headed into downtown Indy.

Can I just say this? I fucking LOVE Indy. We started our night at the Slippery Noodle where we were treated to some great blues and drunken stripping by a hot guy. Our 3some became a 4some and we headed down the road to Ike and Jonesy's. I love that place-and I can't wait to go back. The music was great, the eye candy hanging with us was super cool and the floor show of drunken women being hit on by sleazy guys was pretty entertaining.

Alley and her half of the group bugged out a little earlier than I was ready, so I hung around till 5, having some fantastic conversation (ahem) and finally pushing him out of the car so we could both go home and get some sleep lol

I got "home" around 5:45 and fell into bed just as the sun was coming up.
Oy-I'm old, but I'm totally doin it all again tonight!


Saturday June 23, 2007 - 02:07pm (EDT)

The Emperor and Me 8

Scene: In the pool-we notice a frog swimming around. Insanity ensues...

Shelby: Get it out! Get it out! Getitout getitout getitout!!!

Frog is removed from the pool so swimming can resume.

E: (hopping around the deck) ribbit! ribbit! ribbit! I speak frog.


Tuesday June 12, 2007 - 04:07pm (EDT)

The Emperor and Me 7

E: I hungry. What's for dinner?

Me: Chicken enchiladas and rice.

E: Just give me chicken and rice. I don't like chiladas.

Tuesday June 12, 2007 - 09:34am (EDT)

Keeping Up Appearances

Isn't it amazing when you spend your entire life believing certain "truths" about yourself, your siblings and your family and you suddenly realize that much of what you believed was a facade?

I've spent far too many years comparing myself to family members, being compared by my parents to family members and friends and always coming up lacking. I've always lived with stigmas that my mother has put on me since birth, being born without a penis set me up for a long lifetime of not being what she truly wanted in a child of hers. As I said to an aquaintance a while back "you look at me sometimes and think what the fuck is that and how did it end up in my life?" and I know that look well-it's the one I got from my parents regularly.

I have had my eyes opened to several truths about people in the last few weeks. It's such a paradigm shift when you begin to believe that you are probably the healthiest emotionally in the family that prides itself on being able to tolerate you and your quirks since they are obviously perfect.

So what if you're divorced. So what if you chose to keep the baby born out of wedlock. So what if you got fired, declared bankruptcy, got your lip pierced, bought a car you couldn't afford, got a DUI, married the wrong person (more than once). Life happens. Life is messy and painful and beautiful and there is a certain order to the chaos if you can just step back and let things happen. Just be HONEST about who you are, the choices you made, the actions you regret and the decisions you're proud of. It's when I finally opened myself up, wounds and all, bright side and dark side and said "THIS is me" that I could realize that I'm actually pretty fucking amazing. I'm crazy, but at least I'm honest about my crazy-I'm not hiding anything or cowering behind other people to avoid the ugly fallout of my actions. I faced my shit head on.

It sucked. Sometimes it sucked such serious ass that I didn't think I'd live through it. But I did. And I can look anyone in the face and say "yes. this is me. I'm crazy and sane, scared and brave, beautiful and ugly, but I'm who I am" and I'm able to walk away from people I couldn't walk away from before. And I'm able to embrace people I was too afraid to touch before.

And there ain't nobody in my family better than me. And there definately ain't nobody in my family stronger than me.

And that tremor you feel, that's the earth tilting on it's axis because I ain't your bitch anymore.


Thursday May 31, 2007 - 07:15pm (EDT)

Flat On My Back (and Not In A Good Way)

OK. Alright! I give in! Whatever I did to the cosmos, I apologize. After a completely fabu weekend spent 'round the pool soaking in the sun, drinking Icehouse and listening to a bunch o Buffett, I'm now stuck in bed.

It all started Monday, while getting ready for the 877th anniversary celebration of living in this house, I noticed a slight twinge in my lower back when doing pelvic thrusts a certain way. (Hey-we were all doing it, it was Eddie Murphy channeling James Brown for Christ's sake-you can't NOT bump and grind to that). Never mind, have another beer and keep right on going. I was looking especially fetching in my bikini top and khaki miniskirt so I had to showcase my er, talents for the friends and family that were gathered to eat my world famous spinach dip.

Tuesday morning, a curious thing happened when I went to bop out of bed. I couldn't. I couldn't move without near shrieking in pain. Lesson to everyone: do not shriek in pain when a 4 year old is sleeping next to you. It tends to freak them out. I found the heating pad and settled back down, thinking "ok, you're old and fat, no more rump shakin" and that I'd be ok by that night.

48 hours later and I'm still in just as much pain-I've been all but ordered to see a dr and ok I give in. As soon as the E's dad comes to get him, my father is coming in to take me to see someone for some relief. Pain pills and heating pads aren't cutting it and I really would like to walk again without a walker sometime before I turn 41.

G's Up, Ho's Down

I'm going out tonight. Not surprising for me on a Friday-but I'm really at a loss for what I want to wear tonight. Usually when I go out, I look nice. I always wear heels. Sometimes I rock the falsies (eyelashes, not boobs). But tonight is special. There's a gathering near here of working girls and guys and I have been requested to attend. No naked druid dancing around a fire (Heather's got that covered for me) or howling at the moon.

I have been asked to booty dance.

Y'see, I have a big ol butt. A butt you could serve tea on. It's legendary around these parts. I also have no shame when it comes to dancing. I'm a fool and have the How to Strip For Your Man dvd's to prove it. As well as The Stripper's Guide to Looking Great Naked. Are you noticing a theme here?

So, today has been spent trying on and discarding various blush worthy pieces of apparel. The original blue leather bustier/corset just can't perform like it should so something else is having to be substituted. The rump shaker shorts are fabu-as are the fishnets. My boots though, they're kinda clunky for summertime in Florida, so I might have to go with thigh high stockings and stilettos.

Ooooh, the piece de resistance-a WIG. I'll have the sweetest porn hair goin on since well, I had real porn hair a few years ago.

No pics-no paparrazi allowed tonight. This is strictly a back door affair done on the DL. When you get a bunch of mid 30s to 50s people together dressed up like Halloween, NOBODY wants that kind of blackmail material floating around.

Have a fabulous holiday weekend everyone!


Friday May 25, 2007 - 11:37am (EDT)

The Emperor and Me 6

Scene: Sunny breezy day, in the pool. Me on the "floaty thing" slathered in Hawaiian Tropic and E in his Spiderman bathing suit dumping water out of the pool onto the patio.

Me: Jason, are you hungry?

E: No, not yet.

(5 minutes later)
E: OK, swimmin time is OVER!

Me: What? Already?

E: Do I have to spell it out for you??

E: M W J Q L K A

E: IS THAT CLEAR??

Me: Crystal.

Thursday May 24, 2007 - 12:14pm (EDT)

The Emperor and Me 5

E: Love stinks.

Me: Huh? What? WHAT did you say?

E: Love stinks.

Me: Well, uh, what does that mean exactly?

E: It means it pees on you.


Monday May 21, 2007 - 01:44pm (EDT)

Things That Made Me Smile This Weekend

1-Watching Shelby leave for her first prom (and OMG was her date adorable!!)

2-7:30 AM text messages saying "wake up beautiful"

3-Belting out Loathing from the Wicked soundtrack with the E

4-Late night IM convo with Gilbo

5-Giving 594785698 cool points to someone funny enough to have the YIM name of "Otis Spunkmeir"

6-Little hands on my back with a sleepy voice saying "goo mornin mommy"

7-See the ex has shaved his head, gained weight and grew a goatee. Looking amazing at the same time. Laughing out loud when seeing the same.

8-Doing Shelby's hair and makeup for prom. She's certainly a stunning young woman.

9-Skinny dipping.

10-Knowing inside that the bad days always end and the sun will always shine.

Sunday May 20, 2007 - 11:07am (EDT)

The Emperor and Me 4

(yes I realize this is becoming a regular feature, but I'm busy scanning myspace and answering goofy quizzes)

E: I'm hungry.

Me: Ok-want some lunch?

E: How 'bouuuuuuttt (taps his chin with his pointer finger) vanilla ice cream?!

Me: No. How about some 'roni and cheese?

E: No. A peanut butter and butter and jelly sandwich.

(E walks over to the pantry which has double doors)

E: The Closet of FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

Wednesday May 16, 2007 - 12:56pm (EDT)

The Emperor and Me 3

E: Mommy, I need some Coke.

Me: OK-finish up mine.

E: When Coke gets mushy, it tastes like bananas.
W.T.F.?


Tuesday May 15, 2007 - 01:38pm (EDT)

Nanny 911

When I refer to The Emperor of my Universe, I'm sure some of you think it's just a cutesy little affectation of an indulgent mother.

It's not. I've spawned a little Napoleon. Y'see, I refer to him sometimes as "my late in life baby" but it's not like I was 47 or anything. I was a whopping 36 when he was born. Compared to the other kids, yes he was significantly later, but c'mon I wasn't worried about breaking a hip or anything.

The problem with having a baby through artificial means and being OLD and knowing he's your last is that you tend to coddle. And baby. And hate the sound of their tears. You find yourself scrambling for rose petals to fling in their path when they stumble from the bed to the bathroom. Think Eddie Murphy in Coming to America-and that's the E.

However. Here's the dark side. He began to set his own bedtime and in his mind, it's a carnival up until he falls over in a coma around 1 am. He jumps on the bed, he throws my (non waterproof) pretty pretties in my bathwater, he gets in the refrigerator for a "midnight snack so I can be strong and hellfy", he uses my cell phone to call Hong Kong. I, however, would like something akin to a social life with other adults and that's chiefly accomplished by phone since I'm soooooooooo far away from all the cool people. It's impossible with a small child hitting you in the face with a Spiderman pillow.

I'm embarrassed to even call SuperNanny or Nanny 911. Those families are intact nuclear families with 11 bratty kids. In my casa, it's just one 44 pound tyrant who has an emotional cattle prod trained on his mother.

So, if you hear wailing and gnashing of teeth coming from the Southeast, hide. Mama's on a pissed off rampage and it ain't pretty.


Thursday May 17, 2007 - 09:55am (EDT)

The Emperor and Me 2

E: Mommy, is Disney World open today?
Me: Yes.
E: YAY! YAY! I wanna go! Let's go right now!
Me: No-we can't go today.
E: Ohhhhhhhhhh! I wanna gooooooooo!
Me: Jason, it costs money and mommy is broke.
E: So, go to the machine at the bank-they will give you the money.
Tags: Edit Tags
Thursday May 10, 2007 - 03:31pm (EDT)

The Emperor and Me

E: Mommmmeee, I need toilet paper.
Me: Jason, get it yourself.
E: I caaaan't, I'm on the potty.
Me: OK, be right there.
E: I made a biiiig poop-and it splashed my booty.
Me: Thanks for the information.
E: Mommy, what's funny about me?
Me: I don't know, what's funny about you?
E: Wook at my underwear.
Me: So fix it, it's twisted.
E: I can't-my underwear controls me.

Tuesday May 8, 2007 - 01:00pm (EDT)

More Than You Ever Wanted To Know About Me

Name: Keriann
Gender: Female
time started: 2:58 PM
(1.) In the shower do you start the water and then get in or get in and start the water? Start the water, then when all the steam is built up, get in
(2.) Do you read the labels on the shampoo bottle? Always
3.) Do you moan in the shower like the people on the herbal essence commercial? Not if I'm by myself.
4.) Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex? yes
5.) Have you ever been forced to shower with one of your siblings? No
6.) Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower? Every morning
7.) Have you ever dropped your soap on your foot? I use shower gel
8.) How old do you look? Around 30, I think
9.) How old do you act? About 12
10.) What's the last song you heard/sang? Turn Me Loose by Loverboy
11.) Have you recently become a member of anything? That elite group called Mothers in Law
12.) What are your plans for the weekend? Clubbing Friday night, hangin by the pool the rest of the weekend.
13.) Do you kiss with your eyes opened or closed? Gah! Who kisses with their eyes open??
14.) Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull? Yes
15) Do you ever intentionally vomit after eating? No
17.) Have you ever called anyone a slut? Yes
18) Have you ever been called a slut? Not to my face.
19). Have you ever smuggled something into the US? No
20.) Does playing a guitar make someone more attractive? No
25.) Do you have more enemies or more friends? Friends
26.) Have you ever sent an anonymous letter? No
27.) Can you fix your own car? It might mess my nails up, so no.
28.) Have you ever turned someone down for a date? Yes, did it today as a matter of fact.
29.) Are you smarter than your friends?Some yes, some no.
30.) Have you ever stolen anything from your friends? No
33) Do you like the smell of beer? Never really thought about it.
34.) Have you ever died or killed someone in a dream? No
35.) Have you ever given to charity? Yes
36.) Would you kill a dog for $1000? Probably not.
37.) Do you sometimes get depressed? Yes
38.) Do you live with your parents? Uhhh, no.
39.) Do you have plans for your future? Of course.
X MARKS THE SPOT
You are
[X] short, under 5'4 (i am 5'3)
[]-5'5"
[] 5'5"-5.6"
[] 5'6.5 - 5'7 ''
[] 5'7" - 6'0
[] tall 6'1 and up
NATURALLY
[] blonde
[] redhead
[X] brunette
[] dirty blonde
[] brownish
[] dark brown
[] black
[] indian red/light brown
[] blue-eyed
[] brown-eyed
[] black-eyed
[X]green-eyed
[]Hazel-eyed
[] gold/gray-eyed
[] silver/gray- eyed
[] blue/green-eyed
[] blue/gray-eyed
[] they change colors
[X] glasses
[X] contacts
[] neither
[]short hair
[X]medium hair
[] long hair
Your favorite color(s) are?
[] red
[] khaki
[] aqua
[X] pink
[] hot pink
[] yellow
[] black
[] green
[] lime green
[] blue
[] white
[] turquoise
[] silver
[] purple
[X] brown
[] orange
[] grey
[] fushcia
[] maroon
[X] gold
[] teal
[] clear
[] bronze
[] I don't really care
[] I don't believe in favorite colors
[] rainbow
Some things you've done?
[] ice skating
[X] hiking
[]kayaking
[X]rafting
[X] water skiing
[X]camping (hated it, don't ask me to do it again)
[X] horseback riding
[X]bodysurfing and skim boarding
[]snowboarding
[]skiing
[X] dancing
[]skateboarding
[X]cheerleading
[]volleyball
[]lacrosse
[]street hockey
[]gymnastics
[]martial arts
[X]flag/rifle/baton spinning
[X] swimming
[X]wakeboarding
Your personality is sometimes...
[X] talkative
[X] shy (at first)
[] funny
[] serious
[] laid back
[]strict
[X]hyper
[] weird
[]ditzy
X sarcastic
[]slow
you like listening to?
[X] Pop
[] Country
[] Christian
[X] Orchestral/classical
[X] techno
[] Oldies
[] Opera
[X] 80's
X Disco
X Rap
[X] Classic rock
[] Punk
[] Metal
[] Reggae
[X] Rock
[X] Alt./indie rock
[] Foreign rock
[X] Other (Broadway musicals)
The pets you have HAD?
[X] cat(s)
[X] dog(s)
[] lizard
[] rat (oh good God NOOO!)
[]ferret
[] bunny
[X] fish
[] horse
[X] bird
[] frog (again, fuck no!)
[] hermit crab
[]turtle(s)
[] hamster(s)
[] snake (I repeat, fuck no)
[X] gerbil
[X] guinea pig
[] pig
[] goat
[] chinchilla
[] tarantula
[] geese
[] baby chicks
[] none
[] hedgehog
[] snail
[] piranha
[] seagull
[] newt
Clothing Brands you like?
[] Delia's
[X] American Eagle
[] Hollister
[] The Buckle
[] Abercrombie & Fitch
[X] Target
[] Wal-mart
[] Wet Seal
[] Forever 21
[] O'neil
[X] Pac Sun
[] Gap
[] Banana Republic
[]Aeropostale
[] Dickies
[] Quicksilver
[] Anchor Blue
[] Guess
[] Lucky Brand
[] Champs
[] Salvation army/goodwill/thrift stores
[X] Old Navy
[] New York and Co
[X] Other (I actually buy a lot of my stuff online in small boutiques)
[] Victorias secret
[] Fredricks
[] whatever is at the thrift store
[X] Eddie Bauer
[X] Hot Topic (Actually Torrid)
[] Whatever looks good on me/to me
Shoe Brands?
[X] Flip-Flops
[] Rainbows
[] Nike
[] Adidas
[] Reebok
[] Billabong
[X] Roxy
[] Puma
[] Jack purcells
[] Uggs
[X] Etnies
[] Reefs
[] Converse
[] Swiss
[] Adio
[] DC
[] Path
[X] Steve Madden
[X] Timberlands
[] Vans
[X] if I like something a lot I'll buy it
[X] New Balance
[] LEI
[X] Payless
[] DVS
[] Es
[] Macbeth
[X] Other
Your confessions:
[] I'm afraid of silence
[X] I am really ticklish (and I will pee on you if you don't stop when I say so)
[X] I'm afraid of the dark (which is why Jason sleeps with me)
[] I've collected comic books
[X] I sometimes shut out others
[X] I open up to others TOO easily (after a glass or two of wine)
[X] I read the newspaper
[] I love Disney movies
[] I am a sucker for gorgeous eyes
[X] I am a sucker for gorgeous smiles
[] I don't kill bugs
[] I have "x"s in my screen name
[X] I bake well
[] I have worn pajamas to class
[X] I love Martha Stewart
[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS
[ ]I am self-conscious
[X] I love to laugh
[X] I can't swallow pills
[] I bite my nails
[X] I play computer games when I'm bored
[] I have gotten lost in the city
[] I have gone out in public in my pajamas
[X] I have made out in an elevator
[] I have been skydiving
[] I have been bungee jumping
[] I have been parasailing
[X] I have bitten someone (but they really really liked it)
[] I have dressed up like the opposite sex
[] I have egged a house/car
[] I have smashed a car
[X] I have been fired
[X] I have been skinny dipping
Have you ever...
[X] made out in the rain
[] danced in the rain
[X] seen a shooting star
[] proposed to anyone
[X] Gotten stitches
[X] Eaten Sushi
[X] Gotten the chicken pox
[X] Ridden in a taxi
[X] Been on a cruise ship
[X] Driven over 400 miles in one day
[X] Been on a plane by yourself
[X] had surgery
[] seen a movie more than 3 times in the theater
[X] been on stage
[X] gotten a black eye
[]memorized all the dialogue in a movie
[X] watched an entire baseball game
Do you like...
[X]old movies
[X] musicals
[X] blasting music in your car
[]foreign foods
[] Pokemon
[X] Christmas time
[X] doughnuts
[] animals
[X] coffee
[X] tea (half and half sweet/unsweet)
TWO'S OF EVERY KIND
Two Names You Go By Other Than Your Real Name? Mommy, Sugarbutt
Two Things That Scare You? Heights, Scary movies
Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now? yoga pants and a wifebeater
Two Things that Appeal to You In a Guy/Girl? A hairy chest, great voice
Two Places You Want to go on Vacation: Paris and the UK
Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die: Hmmm, I'll have to think on that, I'm kinda happy now.
Two Things You Are Thinking About Now? How lame am I that I fill these things out all the time-I wonder if "he" will talk to me today.
Two people I haven't talked to in a while? We just had a family wedding, I've talked to EVERYBODY
Two favorite animals? I'm not an animal person
Two Reasons you're doing this survey/? Because I'm bored-I think people are far more interested in the minutiae of my life than they really are.
Spell your name without vowels? Krnn Hwrd
How many pairs of jeans do you own? 11
What color(s) do you wear most often? Pink and White
Last song heard on the radio? Sexy Back
What's for dinner tonight? Chunky soup and a ham sandwich
Tell me a secret about one of your siblings? No Way...
Who did u last call on ur cell phone? My boss
[Do you own a...]
PS2? Yes
XBOX? No
PSP? No
Gamecube? No
SIDEKICK? no (but it's comin)
DIGITAL CAMERA? Yes
In what state or country do you want to go to school after high school? Um, how old am I?
Do you shop at stores like Hollister, Abercrombie? For my daughter
How do you make money? I'm a bookie.
Last thing you bought over 50 dollars? Groceries
Time ended: 3:28 PM

Wednesday March 21, 2007 - 04:54pm (EDT)

Lame Post for the Day You Got Nothin'

I actually do have a lot going on in my life , just not sure how much of it I want to share yet-things are so up in the air right now and I want to try to get them sorted out in my head and heart before I go blabbing all over the internets...

NO CHEATING! After you read mine, copy and paste these into your comment and replace my answers with your ONE-WORD responses. Your hair looks great today, by the way.

Feeling: Nervous

Thinking About: Wicked

Your Family History: Twisty

The Last Person You Had "Words" With: Jonas

Want To Fly Away To: Paris

Hate the Sight Of: Vomit

The Sport Whose Players Turn You On: Football

Favorite Color Ink: Blue

American Idol Judge Who Irritates You Most: Simon

Place You Thought Monsters Hid When You Were Little: Under the bed

Favorite Spice or Herb: Garlic

What You Like for Breakfast: Eggs

Your Living Room Couch: New

Most Recent Purchase: Junk

Hours You Typically Sleep On Weeknights: 8

Something You Dislike: M-

A Favorite Color: Pink

Your Snack When Willpower Is Nonexistent: Chips

Your Bedsheets: Expensive

The Part of Your Face You Scrunch Most Often: Brows

The Last Thing You Thought Was Funny: Jason

What You're Going To Do Now: Shower

Now, Jimmy, Heather and Gilbo have to do it...

Wednesday February 21, 2007 - 08:45am (EST)

Let's Give Em Somethin To Talk About

I read a friend's blog entries from yesterday, one in particular that got me thinking.

I'm a BBW. Now, in and of itself that doesn't particularly mean anything to me. I was "thin" in high school but looked gaunt, my face had no character, my eyes were sunken and my cheeks had hollows. Thin for me is around 160 pounds on my 5'4 frame. I'd tell you what I weigh now, but I have no idea. I don't even have a certain clothing size that I wear since different brands cut their clothes either smaller or larger than a "standard" Lane Bryant size. I just bought the dress you see up there in a size 18 for Patrick's wedding, if that gives you any idea.

Since I gained weight in my 20's my face has filled out, I've gotten a few (a very few) smile lines around my eyes and my figure rounded out. I've always had that hourglass/figure 8 shape to me, but now it's just well, MORE hourglassy. I have a full face and a small tummy but a big ol butt and boobs to match.

This brings me to one of the salient points I'm making. I belong to one group of people over 40 that are BBW's and admirer's. It's not a dating group, it's a conversation group and we do discuss all manner of things political and personal-we're just a bunch of friends. I received an email off list pointing out that according to my pictures, I'm not a BBW so why was I in that group soliciting attention of men to the detriment of other women there? Aside from being shocked that I'm not considered a BBW, I was hurt since I hadn't ever thought I was soliciting anything, in fact I didn't talk about my grandfather's death or the wedding my son is having. I talk about the weather and politics and whether Big Brother will be back on CBS this summer. I don't flirt, mainly because, well that brings me to point 2-

I dont' like skinny old men. I just don't. I have a definate and distinct preference for a man within 10 years of my age who is tall and heavyset. I totally and completely get turned on by big men. Does that make me shallow? Am I a hypocrite because I won't give a short skinny guy a chance? Nope-not at all. Y'see-I myself am in that nebulous category of too big for men that like average sized women and too small for men that prefer BBWs. I understand that and personally, just don't care. I'm whip smart and funny as hell and usually pretty generous-a fabulous cook and the hostess that spoils you so much you never want to leave. If you don't like the package it comes in, that's ok, cause I do and everyone has their own tastes.

To sum up-the reasons people are physically attracted to someone are myriad, sometimes twisted and always impossible to figure out. You like what you like and there's no shame in that. Personally, when I get involved with someone, I want them to want my body just as much as they want my mind. I really don't want someone who dates me "in spite of" my shape because they like hanging around me. You can be my friend. Maybe. If you make the cut...

Tuesday February 27, 2007 - 08:43am (EST)

Nervous Breakdown Island

I realize I haven't posted in quite a while (so far Joni is the only one that's noticed!), but the stress level around here has been through the roof. Selling this house has been a nightmare, well either a nightmare or I'm in the world's longest Candid Camera spoof.

The buyer's put in an offer October 23rd. They requested a longer than usual closing period of January 2nd. We countered saying no, that we wanted to close WAY before Christmas, so as to be in our new house, settled and have cash to shop for Christmas. So, we have a closing date of December 12th. The buyers are going VA, so we have to kick in a LOT of closing costs and do a LOT of repairs that normally we wouldn't have to do. Also, we bought a 1 year home warranty insurance policy for them.

December 11th my realtor calls. The buyer's financing fell through. THE DAY BEFORE FUCKING CLOSING we find out that the buyer doesn't have a loan. However, all is not lost according to my realtor, the buyers are going with Countrywide for a conventional loan and we are assured that we will close on Friday, December 15th. I suffer and suffer, wail and moan and gnash my teeth all week. Thursday night the realtor calls and says that the lender SWEARS the loan has been approved and they will "do their best" to close on Friday, but to reassure us that the loan WILL close, even if worst case it has to be Monday. So, I wait and I wait all day Friday to find out what time we're closing. At 3 pm my realtor calls, we're not closing that day-they can't get the paperwork done in time, but we will close on Monday.

Monday-phone calls fly back and forth all day between me and the realtor. Nobody knows what's going on. The lender has sent closing instructions to the title agent and said they've ordered the wire transfer of funds and the documents. The HUD 1 statement (that shows exactly how the money will be disbursed) was sent over but was wrong so that had to be taken care of. Finally, at 3 o'clock, the buyers want to do a final walkthrough of the house. WHAT THE FUCK??? The house has been empty for 10 days at this point because we moved out the weekend before closing so that the new owners could move in. So, I lose it and begin crying and yelling at my realtor. She says to pull myself together and be at the title office to close at 4.
1/2 of Xanax number one washed down with coke at this time.

I drive to the title office. I'm meeting John there, who has left an important meeting in order to just get this done. When I was 5 minutes away from the office, the title person calls me. "Ms Howard, are you on your way? Because we haven't received the documents from Countrywide. In all my years doing this, ,I've never had a mortgage company not get the documents to me in an hour". I explain to her that I'm in her parking lot and will talk to her inside.

After me showing INCREDIBLE restraint, I walk out the door stabbing numbers on my cell phone calling my mother as we've just been informed that we will not be closing that day. John follows me outside to tell me that we will be closing at 9 am Tuesday morning. At this point I am so angry that I nearly kick him in the face.

Xanax number two washed down with orange juice at this time.
Back home to the new house, try to start the jacuzzi. Move this lever towards the house. Move the second lever towards the fence. Turn on the heater. Nothing. It's getting dark now, so hunt up The Man's monkey flashlight that says "ooooh ooh ooooh ah ah AHHHH" whenever you press the lever for light. Poke around twisting knobs and pushing buttons. Nothing.

The phone rings. It's the realtor. She has heard from the lender. We, for whatever reason, will not be closing until sometime after 10 am Wednesday. I begin to scream swear words that I've never even heard myself (what exactly IS a jack legged mother fucker?) and my realtor is offended.

Xanax number 3 washed down with straight vodka, no ice at this time.

So. I still own a house that I don't want. I live in a house that I do want. The Man has pneumonia. I am broker than your average hooker after she gives up her cut to her pimp. I have a job I loathe but am reluctant to quit because it would let my friend down.

Ho Ho Fucking Ho

Wednesday December 20, 2006 - 08:14am (EST)

Xena

I have a close friend that is my rock when the axis of my world tilts. We've been friends for years, and share that type of bond that we know we can say anything to each other, no matter how sad or mean or twisted, and we "get" it. There's not any judging whatsoever-sure sometimes there's the gentle (or not so gentle) prompt to really stop and think about our actions, but basically we have each other's backs.

One thing I've soaked up from her is that inside me, and inside all women, there is Xena-Warrior Princess ready to jump up and show us that we CAN make it on our own, that truly we are perfect just like we are this moment. We might cry ourselves to sleep tonight, but by God tomorrow morning we're back up on that horse and riding hell bent for leather again.
She just walked through some serious fire-the same fire I'm facing soon. I love her for going first, even when she didn't want to. I love her for showing me that the sun always rises, no matter what else happens. I love her for showing me that I'm more than what and who I thought I was.

So chica, this picture is all about you.

Tuesday January 9, 2007 - 06:11pm (EST)

Way Way Too Creepy

Way way way too creepy...

I ganked this from Heather's blog-it's from an astrology website. This is almost like having transparent skin...

Keri is one of the wisest, smartest, best looking people on the planet. Or so at least she would like to think. It's not that Keri is vain - more that she is terribly susceptible to flattery. All Leos suffer from this little weakness. That's because, despite what astrologers are always saying about Leos and their confidence, secretly, deep down, they are a little unsure of themselves. This explains Keri's tendency to be strongly outspoken and extrovert one moment and quietly anxious the next.

Her close friends know all about her tendency towards self doubt. They know what a warm, genuine and generous character she can be, but they also know about her natural sensitivity. Keri's acquaintances, however, have no such insight. They feel sure that in Keri, they are dealing with a dynamic, energetic and decisive person who is it would be most unwise to cross.

Keri is fiery and feisty - she gives the impression of being someone who knows it all. As a matter of fact, whilst she does not know it 'all', she does know quite a lot of it. Keri is well read, well researched and always well presented. she cuts a dash, she has 'presence.' Heads turn when she enters the room. Keri is aware of the impression she makes but not entirely comfortable with it. She knows that people are responding to her big pretence, not her true personality. That's why she so deeply treasures the company of loved ones who are strong enough to see through her façade and respect her for the mere mortal that she actually is.

Tuesday January 9, 2007 - 10:59pm (EST)

I'm It

Joni tagged me:

1. Each player of this game starts w/honestly answering these questions.
2. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own providing their answers.
3. At the end you need to choose 6 people and list their names.
4. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "Tag...You're it" and tell them to read your blog.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

1. Where were you 1 hour ago? Snuggled deep under the covers in my bed, snoring.

2. Who will be your next kiss? The E

3. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? Yep, actually on my body.

4. When was the last time you went to the mall? Yesterday

5. Are you wearing socks right now? No

6. When was the last time you went out of town? Labor Day weekend

7. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days? No

8. What was the last thing you had to drink? Coke

9. What are you wearing now? A pink nightie

10. Have you been in a car wash? Yes

11. Last food you ate? Pizza

12. Where were you last week on Saturday? Packing at home and then out with a friend.

13. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? Nope

14. When was the last time you ran? Yesterday when I was spraying Lysol and sprayed it in my eye. I ran to the sink to wash it out.

15. What's the last sporting event you watched? My oh so beloved GATORS whompin up on Arkansas.

16. What are your favorite classes? I loved history and anthropology.

17. Your dream vacation? I'm going to London in May and I go to Orlando at least once every other month. My dream vacay would be snowed in, with someone who shall remain nameless, in a cabin in Banff.

18. Last 3 people's houses you were in? Chris and Michellines, Mark and Linda's, Mike and Heather's.
19. How old are your parents? My mother is will be 65 next week, my father is 64

21. Do you miss anyone? Of course.

22. Last play you saw? Jesus Christ Superstar (technically a rock opera) last Friday night.

Now, I'm tagging Alley, Gilbo, Jimmy, Heather, Leo and Dave :)

Saturday December 9, 2006 - 08:20am (EST)

STOP TOUCHING ME!!!

I love my son. I do. Really. A whole lot. BUT-if he doesn't stop touching me I will scream.

The Man turned 4 a couple weeks ago. Normal 4 year old boys really only want to eat dirt, hide worms in the couch and mainline Cocoa Pebbles. Not so my child-he wants to be touching me at.all.times. If I'm on the couch, he's on my lap with his head hanging down past my knees and his feet wrapped around my neck ( "I bein a bat, Mummy!"). If I'm sitting on the bed with my laptop, he's rightnextome with his feet patting the keyboard until I lose my mind and push him away.

At night when we sleep, I end up clinging to the teeny tiny cord on the edge of the mattress because he has to sleep justthiscloseatalltimes. As I type this, I'm sitting on the bed and he's right next to me, his torse and right arm glued to me from my hip all the way down to my knee. He can't go from Point A to Point B without crawling over my lap on the way.
I thought I would get my body back when I stopped breastfeeding, but apparently he just latched on to the rest of my flesh. Oy.

Friday November 10, 2006 - 11:28am (EST)

I Heart Dilly

I love Dilly. As a makeup whore of extreme whorishness and lover of all things sartorial, even I don't have the guts to take pictures of myself EVERY DAY, describe and detail what I"m wearing and even do a FOTD (face of the day, for those of you unaquainted with Makeupalley). Seriously, I might have a wee girl crush on her. She's got gorgeous hair and the cutest cute as a button face. I love her style. She could be me 75 pounds lighter. I read her every day and now I have a list of things I want to buy. Love. Her. Madly.

Gah. I should've stayed in bed today with the phone turned off and a fabulous sleeping mask over my eyes. Have you ever had a day where even the most mundane of things gets all screwed up?

1-If there was something to be dropped, spilled or broken-I did it. I dropped a bowl of my fabulous homemade mac n cheese on my bedroom carpet. I was stirring some sour cream up and the gross sour cream water splashed out on my shirt (ew ew ew!). I dropped the bottle of cough syrup I had just wrestled from He Who Needs To Be Spanked, and Often. The Man managed to spill half a glass of Coke on my laptop. Now the keys are nice and sticky and I'm waiting for it to just say "fuck it and fuck you-you never took care of me" and die. I had to cut bubblegum out of hair of The Boy Who Finally Learned To Keep His Damn Gum in his Mouth.

2-I so cannot decide on an apt. We are now at T minus 4 weeks to the new owners taking possession of the house and so far my best bet has been just buying a big tent. Part of the problem is I'm a snob. There, I've said it. Luxury Apartments are just not luxurious enough for me. I want, nay NEED a garden tub. Gated is also nice. Every apartment I find is great except for just one little thing that I feel I truly need.

3-My friend Mike called me today. He and his girlfriend Heather bought a new McMansion a few months ago and he was renting out his old house. I love his old house. It's the perfect house for me. 3 bedroom split floorplan, enclosed and remodeled 2 car garage already wired with surround sound,, the master bath has the separate garden tub and walk in shower that I crave and, AND a built in pool with the attached ceramic hot tub. Oh, and a big huge redwood playscape for The Man. He said 1300 a month, no deposit no lease, he'll take care of the pool for me and just move in when I'm ready. However (isn't there always a however?) I can't bring Spike the Beagle. Now, not bringing Spike the Beagle isn't exactly a negative for me, but The Man adores him and well, I feel bad just pitching a dog to the side because the friggin HOUSE OF MY DREAMS is being offered to me on a silver platter. Did I mention that my baby shower was held in that house? That I've spent many a night getting oh so politely tanked in that jaccuzzi? I'm telling you, that house is meant to be mine and I'm going to end up giving it up for a damn dog.

4-I have approximately 41 more loads of laundry to do.

I need some love...

Monday November 6, 2006 - 05:26pm (EST)

Sigh

"She was," he proclaimed, "so extraordinarily beautiful that I nearly laughed out loud. She... [was] famine, fire, destruction and plague...the only true begetter. Her breasts were apocalyptic, they would topple empires before they withered...her body was a miracle of construction...She was unquestionably gorgeous. She was lavish. She was a dark, unyielding largesse. She was, in short, too bloody much...Those huge green blue eyes...had an odd glint...Aeons passed, civilizations came and went while these cosmic headlights examined my flawed personality. Every pockmark on my face became a crater of the moon."

Not So Good News

My father called this morning. He had that tone to his voice, the one that let me know something was wrong, a deep sigh and forced exhale before he said "Hey, did you ever hear back from your realtor?" and after some quick desultory conversation about the house sale negotiations he breaks the news.

"I heard from Mom last night. She has colon cancer."

My grandparents live in northern California. It's where they were born and raised and where they want to die. Everyone else has migrated to the east coast. My grandfather is in pretty dire straits healthwise, in fact every early morning or late night phone call from my parents has my heart sinking deep into my stomach. Now that his caregiver, my grandmother, is herself sick it has us scrambling to figure out how to make sure that they are cared for.

There is just something so inherently wrong about not being with them in the dusk of their lives. I should be able to be there to hold their hands, listen to them reminisce about their childhoods, my father's childhood, their loves and losses. I want to be there to make them lunches of their favorite foods and sneak them treats that they're not supposed to have but will make them remember some of their fondest experiences. Most of all, I want to be there to wish them well and have my arms around them when they step through that final doorway into their own private bliss.

Funny Stuff I Read This Weekend

I've been hither and yon all over teh interweb this weekend, just reading my lil ol heart out. Here are some of the things I've read that have made me weak with laughter:
You know what? I think whore is the wrong term for Rachel, who was not fucking Jul's husband to put food on the table.
That's really insulting to whores and I apologize.

Visiting things in the store. Meaning, there's something you want, but you don't have the money or you can't make a decision but you already think of it as yours. So you sit with it, say things to me like "Oh, I can't really afford it, but oh I love it so, oh it would be perfect in my living room, but oh I really shouldn't..." and I couldn't give less of a fuck if fuckonium were the rarest element on earth and sold for 10 billion per microgram. I want things I can't have too so we'll just have to walk through the storm with our heads held high.

Don’t be a trainwreck. Stop talking about poop, for the love of the sweet baby Jesus. (Whose mother never mentioned poop to the disciples, which is why there are no poop stories in the Bible.)
I realize that these probably make no sense to anyone else without context, but boy did they make my weekend bearable.


Sunday October 29, 2006 - 11:07pm (EST)

True Dat

My friend Becky turned me on to Heather Headley-this girl is almost scary, it seems like she's looked right inside my heart and sings what she sees. Check these lyrics out:

They say if you love something, you've got to let it go.
And if it comes back, then it means so much more.
But if it never does, at least you will know,That it was something you had to go through to grow.

Now I'm sure some people reading this blog will see this and think it's about them. Maybe they're right, maybe they're off base-guess it depends on who reads it.

Lovesick

So. I'm in my office on Sunday afternoon, getting some paperwork done and listening to This American Life on NPR. This is one of my favorite Sunday rituals, quietly drinking a cup of coffee and hearing in depth stories on different themes every week.

Today's program is themed on taped messages that were meant for one person, and one person only, to hear. As I've filed leases, entered things for reports I have to run tomorrow and surfed the internet I've laughed at the phone message a mother left for her son while he was away at college and shivered listening to the soldier under an artillery attack in Iraq leaving what he thought might be the last message for his wife and son. Then, I had to stop and listen to the last story.

A man in New York had met a woman in Italy and wanted her to come visit him. His idea was to make a tape for her to hear him as he went about his average day. He began by telling her about his apartment, strumming his bass for her to hear as he walked by-then he went outside and described the busload of Chinese tourists swirling around him on the sidewalk. He whispered into the recorder while he was at rehearsal, sneaking his words under the swelling of the violin, creating such an intimacy that I was slightly embarrassed and felt like a voyeur, looking into this man's heart. At one point he picks up his narrative after he's read her very first letter to him since they parted, and his voice breaks as he tells her how he can't believe he's in love with her already.

This caught me, since when I'm just learning someone I'm intensely interested in the minutae of their life. I want to hear them as they talk to their pets or friends, I want to know how they take their coffee and what the perfect shower temperature is for them. I can sit rapt for up to an hour or so, just hearing them talk about their day at work, bad day or good day makes no difference, I just want to picture them as they were 2 hours earlier. Those things are what make up people, not the outward persona that we show to aquaintances. It's the tiny phrases we utter, the small habits we develop that make us fall in love.

Sunday October 15, 2006 - 02:09pm (EDT)

I'm Such a Girl

I'm in a mood. I'm sad and on the verge of tears-it's the wrong time of the month for anything except sunshine and champagne to be raining down on me. Instead, my throat and head hurt, the Gators lost and the people coming to look at my house last night ran late, so instead of the perfectly staged house I had prepared with candles burning in the fireplace and classical music on the stereo, they were greeted by a hysterical preschooler flinging his shoes across the room.

So, as I open my email this morning what do I see? My beloved Nordies has a promo going, the big daddy of all gift with purchases, a mock croc train case LOADED with girly goodness. Now, couple that with the new holiday line from Igigi and I can get lost in a Nyquil induced fantasy of cold winter nights with a hint of snow and me, him and mistletoe.

Now I just have to decide what to buy to get me to that magic $95 to get my train case...

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Tuesday October 17, 2006 - 09:22am (EDT)

Burnt

Seriously, what’s up with you men and your love of the chase? Talking with a good friend of mine has really made me ponder this aspect of the male psyche. It takes me a little while to warm up to people. Like everyone else, I’ve got baggage and history and I like to think I’ve learned some lessons along the way. When I meet someone new I resist the urge to jump in headfirst, no matter how fabulous they may seem to be. I don’t start planning holidays in my head or wondering if they’ll like my kids. I just talk, get to know them and see what makes them who they are. I guess that makes me all the more attractive to some certain types of men who view me as a challenge or a conquest, something to be mastered, since I’m not panting for their attention or hinting at some sort of pseudo commitment.

Here’s the problem with that philosophy-once you capture me, then you don’t want me? Once you tease admissions of caring out of me, then well, the fun is gone? There’s no more thrill of the hunt, the stalking of the prey is over. The only problem with that is that while you’ve moved on to the Next Big Thing, I’m confused and wondering what I did that suddenly had you slamming on the brakes and hitting reverse. It’s a game, subconscious or not, and it’s not one I tend to want to play anymore.
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Wednesday October 18, 2006 - 12:01pm (EDT)

Mmmmmm squeeze cheese and vegetable wheat thins. Mix with a 2 liter of Coke and warm vanilla sugar bubble bath and life is good again.

Any man that wants to tangle with a woman in the full blown throes of her period is crazier than she is. I know I'm a bitch and I know I'm irrational - pointing that out to me is rarely going to bring you to a good end.

Luckily for me I have a couple very good friends that toughed this week out - even at my most batshit insane. I can't even begin to tell you what a comfort it is to be able to pick up the phone and just wail and have someone say "well, honey" and proceed to point out the reality that the world is cruel and no things don't always turn out how we want them to but dammit Keri is still pretty cute and we all love her anyway. Also reminding me that things will always pass and I'll feel better on Friday has been rather helpful for the last 27 hours or so.

So, thanks Becky and Jeremy, you guys rock and have my neverending loyalty - redeemable whenever you're having a shitty day or 3.

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Friday October 20, 2006 - 12:18am (EDT)

If you wanna know how to woo me..

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably Physical Touch with a secondary love language being Words of Affirmation.

Complete set of results

Physical Touch:
10
Words of Affirmation:
7
Quality Time:
6
Acts of Service:
4
Receiving Gifts:
3

InformationUnhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.
Friday October 6, 2006 - 02:45pm (EDT)

You Owe Me, Drew Bledsoe

After yesterday, when you showed up and accidentally suited up for the Cowboys instead of the Jags, you owe me:

$2oo for my ticket.

$75 for my sweater set that was ruined by the rain I sat in to watch you throw interceptions.

$1000 for having to put up with the shirtless sweaty guy in front of me that wouldn't shut up and stop dancing.

I hope they put you on a school bus back to Dallas rather than flying home with the rest of the team. You suck.

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Monday September 11, 2006 - 08:22am (EDT)

How 'bout Them Cowboys!!

Ok, so tomorrow is OPENING DAY of the 2006 NFL season and guess where my happy ass is going to be? You have it right-tailgating at the fairgrounds, then walking over to Altell Stadium to watch my 'boys whip up on the Jags. Here's what I've made to take with me so far:

Buffalo Chicken Wing Dip
4 boneless chicken breasts ground or chopped in a food processor1 bottle Hooters wing sauce [hot or regular your choice]8 oz. cream cheese 1/2 cup Blue cheese dressing1 small package shredded cheddar cheese
Chop cooked chicken breasts. Blend sauce and cream cheese together. Add chicken, Blue cheese, and cheddar cheese. Place in a baking dish and bake at 350 for 25 minutes. Serve hot or cool, put in fridge and reheat before the game. FABOO with nacho chips and beer.

Big Bites
2 cups (8ozs.) shredded Swiss cheese1/3 cup chopped red pepper1/3 cup chopped green pepper1 cup mayonnaise1 tsp. salt1 tsp. cayenne pepper24 slices baked ham or turkey
Combine potatoes, Swiss cheese, and red and green peppers in medium bowl; stir in mayonnaise, salt and pepper.
Spoon 2 generous tablespoons potato salad on each ham or turkey slice and roll into a cornucopia (or funnel) shape.
The flavor of the cheese in the potato salad is best when eaten at room temperature, so remove from the refrigerator 1/2 hour before serving time.

Beer Cheese Pretzel Dip
1 pkg. Hidden Valley dip Mix (original flavor)2 - 8oz. pkgs. cream cheese6 oz. beer6 oz. shredded cheddar cheesePretzelsMix all ingredients & chill. (this is sooooo good, I"m eating it now!)

Peanut Butter Brownie Cupcakes
(18 1/2 ounce) package chewy fudge brownie mix (recommended: Duncan Hines)24 Miniature peanut butter cups or 1 (12 ounce) bag of peanut butter chipsPreheat oven to 350f degrees. Line 24 regular muffin cups with paper cupcake liners.Prepare the brownie mix according to the directions on the package for cake-like brownies. Fill the cups half way with brownie mix. Add one miniature peanut butter cup to each. Add batter on top to cover the peanut butter cup.Bake for 18-20 minutes, until the cupcakes are set. When they have cooled a bit, remove them from the muffin tins and let cool completely on a cooling rack. Store in an airtight container.

Black Olive and Tomato Crap
1 large can pitted black olives
1 large tomatoes, chopped
4 green onions, chopped
3-4 jalapeno peppers, seeded and chopped
3 T olive oil
1.5 T vinegar
2 cloves garlic
Salt and pepper
Chop the tomatoes and onions by hand, combine garlic, olives and jalepenos in a food processor and pulse until fairly smooth but not pastelike. Combine with tomatoes and onions, drizzled olive oil and vinegar over the top and mix. Chill for 3-4 hours and drain liquid before serving.
This sound disgusting and looks even worse, but trust me its' all good...

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Saturday September 9, 2006 - 07:32pm (EDT)

Here's my bitch of the day-I"m flying next weekend (10 days!) to Indy and I"m planning my wardrobe and thinking about packing. After all the terrorist threats and intercepted plots, my carry on bag plan has been derailed. According to the TSA here is what I have to choose from:

L'occitane lavender hand creme-No, but I CAN bring metal scissors with pointed tips.
Mascara-No, but I CAN bring knitting needles.
MAC Lipglass-No, but I CAN bring a screwdriver.
Toothpaste/toothbrush-No, but I CAN bring KY jelly.

Can you believe it? I can't carry any gel that will go on my lips, eyes, cuticles or elbows, but I can bring the gel that will allow me to have anal sex easier while on board. I swear, if you didn't believe the TSA was run by men, there's your proof.

My Latest Lust

Don't you just LOVE them?

Come See the Softer Side of Keriann

I have something to confess-my new favorite movie is Nanny McPhee. I'm not usually a girl that watches childrens' movies, and even as a child I never really watched cartoons, but this movie has me captivated.

The E was throwing a fit last night, and I mean a first class meltdown in the living room. I was desperate to distract him with anything but a cartoon, since there are only so many times I can here the Spongebob Squarepants song in my lifetime before I need shock treatments. As soon as he saw Emma Thompson with grey hair and warts, he was hooked like a trout and frankly, so was I.

First things first-you can never go wrong with me if you cast Colin Firth in any role in your movie. The man himself is adorable, even if he is on the thin side (I tend to be into BHMs) and his characters he plays are always either a brooding, dark and difficult to reach man or a lovable doofus. As a grown woman, those are both the types of men I'm insanely attracted to.

Emma Thompson is amazing in this picture-she wrote the screenplay and also plays the title character. She has a fantastic transformation throughout the film and the ending is a guaranteed mascara runner for a happy ending lover like myself.

After The E gave it up and went to sleep last night, I watched the movie again. Twice. And I cried at the end each time. I don't want to give anything away, but the scenes are visually gorgeous and Emma T gives such a quiet performance you really appreciate her nuances as an actor.

OK-so, go watch it and we'll talk afterward....