The World's Gone Crazy

Ok, so after my last few posts about the crazy dates I've been on, my new crush Mike told me about some of his. I figured that there were some socially retarded women in the world, I just didn't realize HOW backwards they could be. So ladies, read these 1st hand accounts of bad dates and heed the warnings:

Date number 1- Mike, being a good all around guy wanting to be impressive but not over the top on a first date, suggests meeting at Outback Steakhouse. Mid price chain, good fun and great beer, a laid back and fun atmosphere that doesn't scream "I expect a lil sumpin sumpin after I pay the check". The girl counters with KRYSTAL. If you don't have a Krystal where you live, it's a wannabe White Castle. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Krystals and fries, but at 3 in the morning to soak up all the gin I've had to drink all that night. They have a great breakfast but c'mon, they don't even have a playplace for the kids. So, Mike thinks she's crazy but hey, a dinner check of around 9 bucks vs 40 bucks is a no brainer. They meet at Krystal and while ordering, his date ASKS FOR AN APPLICATION. Seriously. She is multi tasking at it's finest, dating and job hunting. After they take their tiny squares of soggy goodness on their plastic trays to a table, ol' girl whips out a pen and fills in the application. She then turns it in and actually agrees to an interview on the spot. The manager comes out, sits down next to Mike and interviews his date, and then offers her a job-he turns to Mike and offers him a job as well. Mike declined since his IT job was enough for him to not have to moonlight wearing a hairnet.

Date number 2- Mike meets this girl at a Chinese place. In her ad, she says she's 135 pounds and attractive. In reality she's twice that and in dire need of dental work. Mike swallows hard, puts his sunglasses on (which he will keep on for the duration of the date, so she doesn't notice him looking everywhere BUT at her) and the go inside. His date was apparently laboring under the misconception that she was a guest on a talk show and began to discuss at length about her experiences with men and how they have hurt her so badly, she doesn't know how she'll ever trust again. She begins to question Mike's intentions about how the evening will end and why he would want to buy her dinner unless he expects her physical affection, because he's just like all the other guys. She excuses herself to go to the ladies room, which gave Mike an excuse to go pay the check for the both of them and then leave. She wore him down, he couldn't handle the misery anymore.

So ladies, if a guy is paying for your dinner and wants to go somewhere halfway nice-let him. If you have unresolved issues with your ex husband, daddy, boss, mother or lawn guy-keep them to yourself. You might actually get asked for date number 2.

On The Road Again...

Yes, sports fans, I am comin back to the big city. I tried, really, I did try to like it here. The house was charming, the neighbors were not. While I could sit on my porch swing and listen as trains whistled in the distance, I could not shop anywhere but Walmart . I had no pool. I made friends and I'm going to miss them a lot (people have already begun laying claim to all future weekend plans between now and when I actually blow this pop stand) but at heart, I'm a city girl. I'm not a scrapbooky, paper crafty, homeschooling, prairie skirt wearing kinda chica-I'm a firm believer in having a Manhattan cocktail every night while I soak in my sunken tub and flip through Vanity Fair. Soooo, to Vinnie who has called me regularly singing the theme to Green Acres for the last 9 months-dude I'm pulling an Eva Gabor and comin' back to civilization!

My Life As Told By Duffy

I can't stop singing and doing the mashed potato to this song:

OK Guys-do we have to go over this again?

I was talking this morning with someone I went out with a couple weeks ago. He said I should write a blog on "how people scam you on a date". I wanted him to elaborate since I wasn't sure exactly what type of scam you can pull in just a couple hours unless you have a gun and a getaway car. He recounted a date he went on in which the woman ordered "whatever she wanted AND a bottle of wine". Apparently after dinner she said she was tired and went home. This guy was pissed because he spent $80 and she didn't tell him she wasn't interested in him, nor did she offer to pay for her dinner. I was shocked speechless (which almost never happens) at this man's hubris. It's a first date. He asked her out. I'm not sure which one of them chose the restaurant, but it was a mid priced chain-not an unusual one for a first date. He feels that he was gamed by a woman who chose to leave immediately after dinner. Maybe she didn't feel the chemistry. Maybe she had cramps. Maybe she forgot to set her Tivo to watch ANTM later. Who knows? The point is, getting pissed off about it just shows that you really did expect some action in exchange for dinner. That's quasi prostitution. And that's so not cool.

My Soulmate

When people toss the word "soulmate" around with all the weight of cotton candy, I get annoyed. My daughter says her newest boyfriend is her soulmate. My brother's fiancee is his soulmate. My grandmother says manatees are her soulmates. (She's old, give her a break). I don't think I ever said or even felt anyone was my soul's mate. I've been told by other people that I'm their soulmate, but that usually involved lots of panting, zippers and backseats of '72 Monte Carlos.

I have one though. It's absolutely a meeting of the minds, we seem to share a brain at times. We get each other. We walk totally different paths 90% of the time and rarely share the same space or get "face time". In fact, we've seen more of each other in the last 12 months than we've seen in the entire 8 years we've known each other. We finish each other's sentences sometimes and would fight each other's battles if we could.

Soulmates aren't necessarily that person you can't keep your hands off of. They aren't always your wife or husband, boyfriend or lover. They're the person that is your other half, your emotional twin, the yin to your yang, the boom to your bip. They come in all shapes and sizes and colors, but yours is created 'specially for you and you only get one (or two if you're lucky) in life. If you're blessed, you are allowed to meet yours. I was blessed.

I love me some Smarties

So, doin the whole "how was your date this weekend?" debriefing with my semi-crush/BFF Marty he threw this little gem out:

marty : in the whole relationship as a theme park model I dont like long lines but I also don't get in a rush to ride the rides once I'm there, on the other hand once I'm on the rides I don't want to get off of them so there you have it

le sigh

Heads Up Boys

Since I've been out more than a few times over the last months, and experienced quite a few different kissing styles, I thought it may be time to put together a primer of sorts on how women like to be kissed:

KISSING MISTAKES

The following is a list of kisses you should avoid:

The Lizard: Your tongue darts in and out of her mouth like a reptile probing for its next victim. (This by FAR is the one that squicks me out the most.)

The Roto Rooter: Your tongue ventures so far down her throat that it actually begins to choke her. (Soft tongue is great, gasping to keep myself alive is not.)

The Swordfish: You operate your tongue much like a swordfish, and use your nose in a blunt and violent manner. (I bruise easily, so I appreciate not being beaten up while making out.)

The Deep Sea Diver: You rarely come up for air. (There's something to be said for intermittent kisses.)

Frozen in Time: You never change the position, posture, or angle of your head. (Kissing is an ACTIVITY, and the activity is not playing freeze tag with your head.)

Miss Keriann's School of Socializing

Someone I correspond with via email made a smart comment to me about "social life? What is this thing you call a social life?" I felt compelled to instruct him:


Oh, a social life is a FANTASTIC thing to have! You go to dinner and sit across from someone you like to look at and you have these things called "conversations" which is basically trading opinions on things like politics and movies etc etc

Sometimes when people have social lives, they stay inside and watch tv, cook dinner, sit really close together on furniture with someone they like to look at and have found from those "conversations" that they like to talk to them too.

Eventually, people who are experienced in stages 1 and 2 of social lives move on to stage 3, which involves inserting tab A of one person into slot B of the person they like to look at and talk to.

I can further educate you on the finer points of social lives, if you like :)

Keri Got Low, Low, Low, Low, Low

Apple bottom jeans, boots with the furrrrrrrrr...

This is the current no 1 hit at Casa Keriann:

Diamonds are a girl's best friend

I was messing around on
glam.com today and took the "What diamond are you?" quiz. I think the results are quite accurate:

You’re romantic, graceful, and sophisticated—just like the popular princess-cut diamond. Characterized by clean, square lines and intense sparkle, your relative rock conveys the kind of elegance and femininity that you possess. Plus, the rock’s clarity is as clear and true as you are with those close to you. At once classic and ladylike, a princess sparkler suits those who just love being a girl.

Matching Accessories

I spent New Years day alone. I stayed in New Years Eve and never even turned the tv on-I had a quiet night of conversation ending in a warm hug and smiles on my face all the way upstairs to my bed. It was the first time I've spent the night completely alone in the new house and I was surprisingly comfortable. Comfortable with the silence, comfortable with the big bed to myself and comfortable with the solitude.

I spent quite a bit of time thinking on the past year-isn't that what the New Years hype is all about? Reflecting on the past and planning for the future. One thing that happened this year is a shift in my thinking about men and relationships. In the past, a man was my total "outfit". Hopefully he fit well without too much altering, the shade was one that enhanced my complexion and he was quality-he could withstand being tossed on the floor when I was done, flung in the washing machine with a bunch of others when I was cleaning house and me squeezing into him when I was in full blown PMS bloating.

Now, with a new career launching, a new home being decorated and new friendships being formed, I've begun looking at a man as a handbag. He should be an accessory - not the outfit. The outfit is the kids, the job, family, friends, home-he is there and is an integral part of what I'm wearing. I need him to add that final touch to make my couture complete. But he's not the whole style-that comes from me.

The Incredible Shrinking Woman

Now I truly cannot understand this. I'm not trying to lose weight, but it's coming off-I'm wearing jeans that I wore 4 years ago. I'm not unhappy about it, but it's a little frustrating. I have a small waist, a rather ahem ethnic shaped butt and a chest that's quite like the prow of a wooden sailing ship. Now, when I'm getting smaller everywhere, it seems like my bust has increased it's diameter. WTF? I put on a shirt or jacket and it fits perfectly everywhere BUT across the boobs. I can't button or zip my shirts up to a legal, much lest decent area but they fit perfectly in the shoulders and waist. I'm going to have to take my suits in to be taken in at the waist. Or else just go shopping...

The Emperor and Me 13

E: Mommy, you look very pretty in that shirt.

Me: Why thank you baby.

E: Can you wear another shirt when you pick me up from school?

Me: But you just said I look pretty in this shirt.

E: I know, but you look so pretty it's hurting in my eyes.
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Wednesday September 5, 2007 - 08:13am (EDT)

Endless Romance

I have quite an eclectic taste when it comes to music. I like DMX and Avril Lavigne, Gwen Stefani and Seven Nations, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and Aerosmith. In the mood I've been in lately, Chris Botti just seems to fit me like a second skin. Listening to his sexy jazz trumpet wailing makes me think of dark smoky places, pencil skirts, silk blouses, stilettos and gin neat in a thin crystal old fashioned glass. When I hear this song, He is in my mind-holding each other tightly with my right arm around his neck and my left hand holding his, swaying slightly to the sound of what's to come later tonight.

The Emperor and Me 12

Scene: E is slam jammed up next to me in bed coloring while I'm reading blogs. He's elbowing my incision.

Me: "ooooh!! Uh! Lord that hurts!"

E: "don't call me Lord. My name is Jason! Did you forget?"


Sunday August 26, 2007 - 10:20am (EDT)

The Emperor and Me 11

E: Mommy, look at this coloring book (Robots in Action), it's just like Transformers.

Me: MmmHmmm

E: (singing) Transformers!

E and Me: (singing) Transformers! Robots in disguise! Transformers! More than meet

Me: the eyes

E: bee-iiii's

E: What are you singing?! It's bee-iiii's woman!!!

Sunday August 26, 2007 - 09:35am (EDT)

Have you ever felt that you were in a runaway car and all you could do was hold on and see where it stopped?

A month ago, moving was the very last thought on my mind. I love my house that I live in now. I have a history with it and my landlord is one of my closest friends. The downside is that Shelby lives with my parents an hour away and I don't get to see her too often. I miss out on a lot of the day to day stuff with her and I just miss the fuck out of her. I casually mentioned wishing she could live with me again the day I had surgery and well whaddaya know, the gods have moved heaven and earth and I'm going to have my family intact again.

Sunday I was going crazy being in this house another day. Since surgery and the complications that followed, I've truly just felt too crappy to do much other than move from the bed to the couch and back. I'm getting my strength back and just wanted to do something-so I drove down to my parents town to look around for houses. Idle time wasting for me. Or so I thought. Driving through the Historic South District we stumbled on a cute house for rent.

Peeking through the windows and tramping around the back yard, we fell in love. A long front porch with a swing. All heart pine floors polished to a high gloss. A breakfast room with built in cabinets. A huge fenced in back yard with a clothes line so I can hang out my linens. A 2 car "garage" in the back that was probably used to house a buggy back when the house was built in 1915. A perfectly restored vintage house. Shelby nearly pees her pants. We go back to my parents house and look it up online. The rent is affordable. It has 2 bathrooms. This is doable.
So, I rented it yesterday. My parents are over the moon. My mother can pick up The E on Fridays to spend the night with her and my dad. They were integral in raising the big 3, but have been somewhat uninvolved with him (my choice) so they're delighted to be as big a part of his life (read: controlling) as they were with the others. I nervously asked my dad yesterday if it was all moving too fast. He said absolutely not, finish my sandwich because we had to meet the realtor at the house to see the interior.

He's crazy about the house. I am too. I think. I have a full dressing room off my bedroom. I have a fireplace in my bedroom with window seats on either side. I have a creaky staircase polished to within an inch of it's life. An enormous gas stove and every vintage period touch I could dream of. A library with a full bathroom off it that I can make a guest room or an office. Children galore in the neighborhood and a park right across the street. I'm 2 blocks from the river and I can sit in my backyard and watch the fireworks on the 4th of July. This town LOVES festivals and I will be able to stroll over to the Magnolia Festival in October, the Azalea Festival in March and the Blue Crab Festival over Memorial Day weekend. The trendy downtown shops stay open till 9 every 3rd Friday and the Farmer's Market opens at 7 on Saturdays. I can walk the 3 blocks to St Monica's for mass on Sundays and then back to have Sunday dinner with my family.

Ahhhh. My family. I adore my father. He's stern but loving. Curmudgeonly yet funny. He's always quietly trying to make up for the sins of omission he committed when I was a child. My mother. Controlling and passive aggressive. Wait-strike that. Controlling and agressive. Really has no concept of boundaries. Will weep over the sins she committed when I was a child but always peeking out between her fingers to see if I am telling her it's ok, I understand, no worries anymore, hey ho look at me-I'm fine now!

I really think that's my biggest knot in my stomach over this entire situation. Rather than moving further from her and continuing to gently saw at the apron strings, I'm tying the noose tighter around my neck.

Thursday August 23, 2007 - 10:23am (EDT)

How Interesting

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open.

Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

The Emperor and Me 10

This comes via phone from Shelby-she and The E are at my parents this week while I'm recuperating:

Shelby: Jason, finish cleaning my room. You threw all your toys around.

E: Finish! Finish is my middle name! Finish the Menace!

oy. He'll be in quite some form when I see him tonight...

Friday August 10, 2007 - 12:28pm (EDT)

Letting Go

Everyone has one. That person that always seems to be hanging around the edge of all your thoughts. Not quite the one that got away, because you never truly had them. There were conversations, whispered confidences, soft giggles in the deep of the night when you thought "this is the beginning of something big". But. And there's always a but. They just couldn't quite make that leap from Good Buddy to Significant Other. They could already belong to someone else. Or they're nursing wounds from a past that you can't heal. For an adrenalin addict the roller coaster highs and lows are thrilling, nights of "He loves me, He loves me not" can be very entertaining when you're otherwise lonely.

Eventually, it stales. You might get angry with a "How DARE they not want ME?" or you just may drift along with a laissez faire attitude while they fade to black. You may vasillate between the two. The important thing is, you finally realize that it IS your precious time that has been wasted, for whatever reason. And you don't want to waste any more.

Thursday August 2, 2007 - 04:44pm (EDT)