The World's Gone Crazy

Ok, so after my last few posts about the crazy dates I've been on, my new crush Mike told me about some of his. I figured that there were some socially retarded women in the world, I just didn't realize HOW backwards they could be. So ladies, read these 1st hand accounts of bad dates and heed the warnings:

Date number 1- Mike, being a good all around guy wanting to be impressive but not over the top on a first date, suggests meeting at Outback Steakhouse. Mid price chain, good fun and great beer, a laid back and fun atmosphere that doesn't scream "I expect a lil sumpin sumpin after I pay the check". The girl counters with KRYSTAL. If you don't have a Krystal where you live, it's a wannabe White Castle. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Krystals and fries, but at 3 in the morning to soak up all the gin I've had to drink all that night. They have a great breakfast but c'mon, they don't even have a playplace for the kids. So, Mike thinks she's crazy but hey, a dinner check of around 9 bucks vs 40 bucks is a no brainer. They meet at Krystal and while ordering, his date ASKS FOR AN APPLICATION. Seriously. She is multi tasking at it's finest, dating and job hunting. After they take their tiny squares of soggy goodness on their plastic trays to a table, ol' girl whips out a pen and fills in the application. She then turns it in and actually agrees to an interview on the spot. The manager comes out, sits down next to Mike and interviews his date, and then offers her a job-he turns to Mike and offers him a job as well. Mike declined since his IT job was enough for him to not have to moonlight wearing a hairnet.

Date number 2- Mike meets this girl at a Chinese place. In her ad, she says she's 135 pounds and attractive. In reality she's twice that and in dire need of dental work. Mike swallows hard, puts his sunglasses on (which he will keep on for the duration of the date, so she doesn't notice him looking everywhere BUT at her) and the go inside. His date was apparently laboring under the misconception that she was a guest on a talk show and began to discuss at length about her experiences with men and how they have hurt her so badly, she doesn't know how she'll ever trust again. She begins to question Mike's intentions about how the evening will end and why he would want to buy her dinner unless he expects her physical affection, because he's just like all the other guys. She excuses herself to go to the ladies room, which gave Mike an excuse to go pay the check for the both of them and then leave. She wore him down, he couldn't handle the misery anymore.

So ladies, if a guy is paying for your dinner and wants to go somewhere halfway nice-let him. If you have unresolved issues with your ex husband, daddy, boss, mother or lawn guy-keep them to yourself. You might actually get asked for date number 2.

On The Road Again...

Yes, sports fans, I am comin back to the big city. I tried, really, I did try to like it here. The house was charming, the neighbors were not. While I could sit on my porch swing and listen as trains whistled in the distance, I could not shop anywhere but Walmart . I had no pool. I made friends and I'm going to miss them a lot (people have already begun laying claim to all future weekend plans between now and when I actually blow this pop stand) but at heart, I'm a city girl. I'm not a scrapbooky, paper crafty, homeschooling, prairie skirt wearing kinda chica-I'm a firm believer in having a Manhattan cocktail every night while I soak in my sunken tub and flip through Vanity Fair. Soooo, to Vinnie who has called me regularly singing the theme to Green Acres for the last 9 months-dude I'm pulling an Eva Gabor and comin' back to civilization!

My Life As Told By Duffy

I can't stop singing and doing the mashed potato to this song:

OK Guys-do we have to go over this again?

I was talking this morning with someone I went out with a couple weeks ago. He said I should write a blog on "how people scam you on a date". I wanted him to elaborate since I wasn't sure exactly what type of scam you can pull in just a couple hours unless you have a gun and a getaway car. He recounted a date he went on in which the woman ordered "whatever she wanted AND a bottle of wine". Apparently after dinner she said she was tired and went home. This guy was pissed because he spent $80 and she didn't tell him she wasn't interested in him, nor did she offer to pay for her dinner. I was shocked speechless (which almost never happens) at this man's hubris. It's a first date. He asked her out. I'm not sure which one of them chose the restaurant, but it was a mid priced chain-not an unusual one for a first date. He feels that he was gamed by a woman who chose to leave immediately after dinner. Maybe she didn't feel the chemistry. Maybe she had cramps. Maybe she forgot to set her Tivo to watch ANTM later. Who knows? The point is, getting pissed off about it just shows that you really did expect some action in exchange for dinner. That's quasi prostitution. And that's so not cool.

My Soulmate

When people toss the word "soulmate" around with all the weight of cotton candy, I get annoyed. My daughter says her newest boyfriend is her soulmate. My brother's fiancee is his soulmate. My grandmother says manatees are her soulmates. (She's old, give her a break). I don't think I ever said or even felt anyone was my soul's mate. I've been told by other people that I'm their soulmate, but that usually involved lots of panting, zippers and backseats of '72 Monte Carlos.

I have one though. It's absolutely a meeting of the minds, we seem to share a brain at times. We get each other. We walk totally different paths 90% of the time and rarely share the same space or get "face time". In fact, we've seen more of each other in the last 12 months than we've seen in the entire 8 years we've known each other. We finish each other's sentences sometimes and would fight each other's battles if we could.

Soulmates aren't necessarily that person you can't keep your hands off of. They aren't always your wife or husband, boyfriend or lover. They're the person that is your other half, your emotional twin, the yin to your yang, the boom to your bip. They come in all shapes and sizes and colors, but yours is created 'specially for you and you only get one (or two if you're lucky) in life. If you're blessed, you are allowed to meet yours. I was blessed.

I love me some Smarties

So, doin the whole "how was your date this weekend?" debriefing with my semi-crush/BFF Marty he threw this little gem out:

marty : in the whole relationship as a theme park model I dont like long lines but I also don't get in a rush to ride the rides once I'm there, on the other hand once I'm on the rides I don't want to get off of them so there you have it

le sigh

Heads Up Boys

Since I've been out more than a few times over the last months, and experienced quite a few different kissing styles, I thought it may be time to put together a primer of sorts on how women like to be kissed:

KISSING MISTAKES

The following is a list of kisses you should avoid:

The Lizard: Your tongue darts in and out of her mouth like a reptile probing for its next victim. (This by FAR is the one that squicks me out the most.)

The Roto Rooter: Your tongue ventures so far down her throat that it actually begins to choke her. (Soft tongue is great, gasping to keep myself alive is not.)

The Swordfish: You operate your tongue much like a swordfish, and use your nose in a blunt and violent manner. (I bruise easily, so I appreciate not being beaten up while making out.)

The Deep Sea Diver: You rarely come up for air. (There's something to be said for intermittent kisses.)

Frozen in Time: You never change the position, posture, or angle of your head. (Kissing is an ACTIVITY, and the activity is not playing freeze tag with your head.)